[review] Transformers, or...At Least I Got a Student Discount

[schizoauthoress]

I have quite a few things to say about the "Transformers" movie (I finally caved and decided to watch). And there is a whole truckload of cursing under the cut. However, I'll start by simply stating:

LAME. Lame-ity lame-lame LAME!!

What the FUCK is this shit, yo? I was led to believe that this movie would rock hardcore, give me my money's worth like Die Hard 4.0. Let me tell you, though -- emoting Bumblebee, the fact that Frenzy (the Decepticon spy) was obviously orgasming as he hacks Air Force One, Hugo Weaving as Megatron, giant Pinkie Pie's cameo, everything about Ironhide, Starscream being voiced by Charlie Adler...it was great, but it was like really good icing flowers on a shitty, half-baked cake.

You see that? Not even Charlie fucking Adler, my absolute hugest voice actor crush since childhood, can save this lame-ass movie for me. (Gotta say, though, big ups for brand loyalty, Mr. Adler. Spike, Eric, and now Starscream? ::drool::) And I'll admit something that just might get me lynched by the TSers on mah list: I was cheering for the Decepticons by the end of the movie.

Darius McCrary needs to be shot. In the kneecap. I will do it myself! How dare he contribute to such a shameful attempt at both "racial equality" and hipness in the Autobot forces? In fact, I want to kick Bernie Mac and Anthony Anderson in the balls for their stupid stereotypical "black guy" bullshit. Whoever wrote that bullshit needs to be beaten with razor wire, sprayed with habanero pepper powder and lemon juice, then left on the hot pavement in the middle of Phoenix. Oh my God, this race-related typecasting pissed me off so fucking bad.

That said, I did like the "breakdance" way that Jazz was animated -- it was pretty cool and made for a unique fighting style, but that appreciation about died with him, particularly given the fact that Jazz's last words were the pathetically cliche : "You wanna piece of me?!" (The fact that Megatron retorted with "I'd rather have two" and ripped him in half was awesome.)

Shia Lebeouf was tolerable as the main character, Sam. He had his moments, and let me just say, the boy has DEFINITELY grown since his days on Even Stevens; yes, he's much cuter and whatnot now, but I mean as an actor, he's gotten quite talented. Megan Fox was just too pretty for me to believe that she was an ass-kicking, car-jacking, engine-overhauling woman -- she had too many little-girl issues, such as the need to hide her true self to get with token hawt guy (naturally, the dude who was set up as Sam's tormentor), and the whole daddy thing. Plus, all the closeups of her pretty face, which somehow managed to look even more flawless as Shia/Sam got dirtier (and sweaty enough to look shellacked)? Urgh, way to mess things up by tokening up the love interest by playing the usual gorgeous-chick-who-falls-for-loveable-loser tricks.

Buffynerd in me pegged Tom Lenk (aka Andrew) from his first line, "I am so underdressed!" I was deeply saddened that Rachel Taylor's Aussie-girl character went outside the analyst group and recruited Anthony Anderson as her lackey, instead of utilizing the geektastic brilliance of Tom. And what the flying fruitbats of hell was up with the Asian analyst guy suggesting that the Chinese were behind the system hacks?? Can you get any more transparently offensive, Michael Bay? Jesus Hellraiser Christ!

Now, here's the thing. I honestly think that, had the studios created a miniseries (something like Genndy Tartakovsky's "Star Wars: Clone Wars" ) to tie into the movie, I would have enjoyed the film a lot more. As it was, I hardly cared much about the Autobots. Their introductions seemed both achingly slow and horridly rushed...it took FOREVER to get Sam to realize that his Camero was an alien robot, and then we were slammed with about a dozen other alien robots to keep straight. I tell you, I could hardly recall which Decepticons were which (damn military vehicles and their monochrome color scheme) and I still wanted them to win!!

Okay, okay. To be honest, John Turturro's totally insane Agent Simmons and John Voight playing off of him near the end, in addition to Starscream's total fucking pwnage of the jets in the city battle scenes (umph, geekgasm right there) basically saved the movie for me. But then, Sam and Michaela (smooooth, Michael Bay, real smooth) making out on top of poor Bumblebee near the end of the movie made something die inside of me.

In the name of Megatron, return with some reinforcements soon, Starscream!

Comments

[stormkpr.livejournal.com]

I'm totally with you on Transformers. I thought it totally and utterly stank. I knew in advance that it would be nothing like the show I liked as a kid and I was prepared for that, but even setting that aside it was so bad.

[selve.livejournal.com]

You know, I never saw the Transformers as a kid, so I have absolutely no context for the movie. After this review though, I don't think I'll be seeing it anytime soon. Netflix, maybe.

[stormkpr.livejournal.com]

I think if you never saw it as a kid, then that's another reason *not* to go. Me, I was curious to see what they'd do to a show I used to like. But if you don't even have that background, then you'll find yourself sitting through a 13 -year-old-boy-fantasy movie. (what movies aren't, nowadays?)

[schizoauthoress.livejournal.com]

I think that the film has its moments, but it was poorly realized as a story. I loved Transformers, even though I only saw some of the original run and was more into Transformers: Beast Wars, and I still couldn't find it in me to care about the "good guys". Was cheering for the soldiers, though.